Joke Thread

[Dragon Drop]

Here's a really OUTRAGEOUS joke!

Somebody posted this story years ago on some forum (not this one) and I copied and saved it. I found it recently while cleaning up my old files. It was probably just a joke, rather than a true story.

Miss Perkins, the principal of a school for pre–teen boys, heard rumors that the boys were indulging in sexual play with some unknown girl. “This is no good,” she thought. “The boys are probably thinking that ALL girls are like her! I must show them how GOOD girls behave.” So she asked her friend, who was principal of the neighboring school for pre–teen girls, to send her best student over to speak at the boys’ assembly. She instructed the girl, “After you finish your speech, please tell the boys that it would make me VERY happy if they would keep away from the little slut who is doing all these filthy things with them.”

The boys were spellbound as the girl delivered a brilliant speech, discussing sociology and world culture, literature, art, philosophy, computers, business, and science. She concluded with an expert performance on the piano. The boys’ cheers of admiration were heart–warming.

“Thank you,” said the girl sweetly. “And before I go, I’d like to tell all of you that it would make Miss Perkins VERY happy if you boys would keep away from me.”

 

[Dragon Drop]

In order to fully appreciate this joke, you have to understand that it was circulated about 60 years ago -- when marijuana was regarded the same as cocaine and heroin, i.e. strongly disapproved of and totally illegal. Some said it was a true story, but I doubt it.

A pot-smoking teenager (a “beatnik” or a “hippie” or whatever) was being interviewed on TV and was arguing for legalization of marijuana. “It’s a good thing, man” he said, “because it can relax you when you’re nervous. I’ll show you what I mean. I remember when I was finishing high school and had my final exams. I was worried about whether I would pass, and I was so nervous, man, I couldn’t even have walked into the exam room without having a panic attack. But I tell you, man, I just smoked some marijuana, and all my fear went away.”

“I’m sure it did,” said the interviewer, “but did you smoke it BEFORE taking your exams, or AFTER?”

“No, man, I smoked it INSTEAD of taking my exams!”

 

[elbmek]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

 

[Dragon Drop]

"I appreciate your doing this for me, ma'am" said the boy.

"My pleasure, dear," the woman replied. "Now, just push it in gently."

"I can't get it in."

"You're too excited, dear. You have to relax. Just aim it straight, and push it in slowly."

"OK, I've got it in. Now what?"

"Just slide it smoothly in and out."

"Oh, this is great! What else do I have to do?"

"The rest is easy, dear. It’ll come."

"Yes, I think it’s coming now. Here it comes! Here it comes!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"See, darling, you did it."

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you so much for this favor."

"Hey!" said the other children gathered around. "Are you finished here? We don't want to be late for school."

"Yes, I'm ready. I was just having this nice lady show me how to use this ATM card."

 

[Dragon Drop]

This is an old joke that I read many years ago. Three priests approached the ticket window in a railway station. The young lady selling tickets was wearing a very low–cut blouse, so her boobs were quite visible.

The first young priest, smiling dreamily, said “Ah...... We’d like three pickets to Tittsburgh, please.”

The second priest, who was older, pushed him aside and said “Oh, he meant tickets to Pittsburgh, of course!” Then, holding out a dime, he added “And do you have two nipples?”

The third priest, very elderly and dignified, stepped up. “Three tickets to Pittsburgh, please, and two nickels.”

The girl, who was rather angry by now, completed the transaction. “Thank you,” said the elderly priest. “And I hope you will forgive the shameful behavior of my two colleagues. However, young lady, may I suggest that in the future you try to wear clothing that covers your personal anatomy more properly. Because otherwise, when your time comes, Saint Finger will point his peter at you!”

 

[Dragon Drop]

You know how in elementary schools, they sometimes let kids come up and tell a joke to the class. When I was about 9 years old, a boy and girl in my class did this little comedy act. The kids thought it was funny, but the teacher sure didn’t!

Boy: Hi, Susie. I have a present for you. (He hands her a bracelet.)

Girl: I’m sorry, Dan, but I can’t accept it.

Boy: (Very sadly) Why not, dear?

Girl: Because it’s wrong to try to buy a woman’s love by spending money on her.

Boy: Oh, I didn’t spend any money on this. I stole it.

Girl: (Delighted) Oh, then I’ll take it!